Charming in Gray and Silver

It has to be tough sometimes. It has ups and downs like a roller coaster. You sometimes get high, get scared, and get dizzy. But in the end of the ride, you still get to laugh despite the fact that you feel like the world is rotating and revolving. You have this fulfilling emotion that you have conquered that ride and later realize you have to get ready for another extreme round. It’s fun! Even though it has to be repeated over and over, you’ll never get fed up.

It’s way more fun when you ride it with people that can scream, chuckle, and cry with you. People who’ll be with you through your ups and downs. People who’ll hold hands with you as the roller coaster goes like a bullet in the air and twists and turns like a jet plane. As the fast moving air hits your face, you see flashes of smiles from the people who you are with. Those moments, faces, and smiles are amazing, lovely, and priceless. Sometimes there are instances that some people has to leave you on that roller coaster, purposely or not. That’s okay. People come and go; yet, the ride has to keep going. You don’t have to be upset forever. Remember that it is your ride, it’s all up to you to enjoy it or not.

This ride had taught me lots of lessons in the past few busy weeks I had. If only I could list it all down here, you will definitely be amaze. But perhaps I think it’s better to keep some of those words for myself. But one thing of the most striking lessons I learned is that you don’t have to keep all your problems by yourself. You got those people who are still there with you in the ride. Share it. Never hold your breath and screams when the ride goes extreme. Keep in mind that they’ll listen to your screams and chuckles.

And I guess that will be enough.

It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and I’m starving. It was seven o’clock in the evening, still on my way home and that has been my daily life since I stepped in to college. Sometimes it takes me one hour of transportation and all I do is to watch those dazzling red, yellow, white, and green streetlights. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and I’m all by myself. I told a friend a night before that I’ll go home with her since I assumed that our training will end at nine o’clock; but, we ended at 6 o’clock. So I texted her that I have to go home as I was exhausted by the entire things I did that day. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and I’m crying. I’m crying deep inside. I don’t know. I needed someone to talk to, someone to whom I can share and pour things out, and someone who’ll give me a warm hug and say that it’s okay and I’m here for you. But I was there, sitting alone with a book on my hand and a huge backpack on my lap, surrounded by people I don’t know and people who don’t care. 

Finally, I arrived home. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and my dad was drunk. I knew he was because his face was so red and he was different. He asked me why I was late and I honestly answered that we had a photo shoot for radio drama and training in Chorale. I know they know about it. But few hours later, he approached me and said things I didn’t expect and didn’t want to hear. Yes, he was drunk and I tried to understand that part. But I was left there speechless. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and I was wounded.  My heart was wounded. And I ran upstairs and locked myself in my room. I crawled up on my bed and grabbed a huge pillow to embrace. I stared blankly on my white bedroom wall, tried to filter those words he said but I was like a sponge that absorbed everything. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and my tears started to run down my cheeks. I can’t control it anymore. I texted my closest friends and told them that I need them. I was expecting so much. I expected a phone call but all I received were four text messages from different people and the other one was not helping at all. It was cold dark and depressing outside and I was crying so hard. It was the worst. I was like running out of air to breath. And I knew that someone was knocking on my door. She was yelling at me and telling me to open the door but I ignored her. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and the next thing I knew, my parents was at each other’s throats. It was deafening. I grabbed another pillow to cover my ears but those pillows weren’t enough to screen those words. It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and everything felt heavy, painful, and intense for me. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of problems. School, friends, love, and family.  

It was cold, dark, and depressing outside and I opened my room and ran towards my mom. I embraced her and told her to stop. Enough. I’m hurting so much. Those scenes were unforgettably disturbing and unbearable. It was still cold, dark, and depressing outside and the night ended with broken glasses and broken hearts. I think they’re getting an annulment.  And there I was, locked again inside my room. Crying and trying to eliminate and not to absorb the cold, dark, and depressing aura outside. 

Why? Is the question in my head right now. I don’t understand things anymore. I don’t understand myself and most especially life. 

Went out today to shop alone and spent the night listening to two men playing the piano and the violin. Sometimes it feels so good when you’re away from home, do everything by yourself, and do anything what you want that will make you pleased. Freedom. That tickles my ear whenever I hear it especially at this very moment. I want to run away from my life, from sorrows, from all these problems I’m facing. I feel lost again, alone.

I bought some cool school stuff, a wood design sticker for my table, and a shirt. Before, I used to have my sister with me when I go shopping. I always ask for her (or my brother’s) opinion on what to buy and what to wear. Now, it’s amazingly different and it feels good. Choosing whatever style you like without asking for someones outlook on it. Making all the decisions by yourself.

While walking, I’m watching random people’s faces. I felt sad realizing that you’re in this gigantic mall where everyone seem to have someone with them. They all seem so happy, and you, you are in the middle of the crowd with no one to talk to.

I saw this lady, when I was in the bookstore, who wears a very lovely smile. She was in a blue plain blouse and a floral mini skirt and she was only by herself like me; yet, she still manage to stretch those gorgeous lips of her and enjoyed herself alone. I smiled and whispered thank you because I realized that I still deserve to smile and I’m not alone. 

Imagine yourself as a seven year old kid again. Young, fresh, and innocent. No worries, no heartaches, no pain. When you’re young, your life mainly revolves around the pursuit of fun. You don’t give a damn on other things. You cry when you get hurt but you stand up again right away to play, like no damage has been done. Young, fresh, and innocent. But we all have to grown up; yet, we can stay young like little brave and fervent kids in our hearts forever.

Yesterday, I and some of my friends had an awesome and crazy photoshoot. The shoot was supposed to be focused on the theme forever young since two of my friends are miserably turning eighteen this November. (lol) Unfortunately, it rained while we’re taking the second set of the shoot so we have to save our stuff and selves and waited for the rain to stop. But after waiting for like two hours, it fckng didn’t. So we changed some of the plans and continued the shoot though it was raining. Disaster yet we all had fun with the free bath and shower of nature. So here are some of the shots we had yesterday…

Photos by Ag Molina
Models Rachel and Michelle Sanson, Maferd Fundales